Anand Advocates

Archive for January, 2012

Did your heart just start beating faster? Even the term “sex” or “family life education” brings panic, fear, and increases the heartbeat and sweat glands in most adults. However, once the panic subsides, the debate over whether to have sex education in American schools or not – is done. A new poll finds that over 90% of Americans say sex education should be taught in schools.

According to the poll, the surveyed parents supported teaching 7th and 8th graders basic information on how babies are made, and 56 percent supported teaching all aspects of sex education, including birth control and safer sex in 7th and 8th grade, with a much higher percentage agreeing it should be taught in High School.

On the other hand, exactly who IS getting taught about sex? Unfortunately, the nationwide trend is that fewer young people are learning how to reduce the risk of getting a disease and preventing pregnancy. “The majority of school systems now focus on delaying sexual education as long as possible,” said Barbara Huberman, the director of education for Advocates for Youth, a pro-education group in Washington, D.C. “While you may get an overview of contraception in the seventh or eighth grade, there are many, many school systems that are afraid to talk about it at all.”

I am a School Nurse at a Middle School in a suburb of a large city. They teach about “abstinence” in a brief session. Then, on a daily basis, I get to deal with the student’s choices and mistakes. I hear stories that make me want to cry. I hear parents frequently say, “my daughter/son would never do that”, or “I don’t think (insert child’s name here) would ever have sex”. The all seem horrified at the thought. But, what I see and hear on consistently (and remember, this is middle school) tells a different story. Just so you don’t think my school is unusual, I read articles and stories from nurses all over the country that say the same thing.

I have girls coming to me fearing pregnancy (and some really are pregnant). Some of these same girls have had multiple partners (yes, they are only 12-14 years old and yes, some are a mandatory CPS/Law Enforcement call). Amazingly, these same girls will say statements like, “I know that you can get pregnant through oral sex, but I try to be careful”. They ARE too young to be having sex, but it is happening – and not infrequently. We may have grown up in a different time, and want to believe it can’t happen in our own home, but let me give you some hard statistics:

The average girl today begins to develop some characteristics of puberty between ages 10 and 11, with many showing some changes at ages eight or nine.

One in 12 students experience their first sexual intercourse before age 13, and a quarter of all children (24 percent of girls and 27 percent of boys) have had sex by age 15, and many believe these estimates to be low. Remember, these numbers do not include the “everything but intercourse” in them. Each year, one in four sexually active teens contracts a sexually transmitted disease. Genital herpes (which cannot be cured) has increased by almost 30% in young people in the last 9 years. There are over 900,000 teen pregnancies per year. When it comes to HIV, the largest increase in cases is seen in teenagers. These statistics are frightening.

Ideally, parents should give strong teaching to their kids about honesty, integrity, self-value, and abstinence for the first 10 to 12 years of life. If they did a really good job of this, and taught their children to make good decisions, we wouldn’t be having this epidemic and being forced to have as many conversations with 14, 15 and 16 years old about what to do about an unplanned pregnancy or a STD.

Which leads to why this should be taught in the school – parents would be the ideal choice to teach this to children. That would be assuming you have parents who are willing to do so. But, a majority of parents don’t know how to talk to their kids about sex and sexually transmitted diseases. The other part of that equation is that many families today are very dysfunctional – some parents abuse alcohol, drugs, work too many hours, have high stress or anxiety, or have various other reasons for not having the ability to talk with their children. That leaves the “job” of teaching kids about sex and STD’s to the educational system.

Although this is an uncomfortable subject, it IS an important one. I am a strong believer in abstinence. If it were up to me, everyone would abstain until marriage. However, I am a realist as well. We cannot bury our heads in the sand and hope teen sex goes away. Teens are “doing it”, getting pregnant, and catching diseases. They need education and support and we need to guide them. It is our job as educators and adults to keep them safe. Please start early talking to your kids and have a good relationship with them about everything. They are the most important “assets” you have. Also, talk to your school Administrators about how you can support the family life education and be involved. Let’s try to put a dent in this sad epidemic.

These are subjects you’ll want to talk about with your children before there is a problem. As a family, you can establish boundaries and consequences and come to a common understanding of what is acceptable.

Sex: According to Advocates for Youth, statistics indicate that children who talk to their parents about sex are less likely to engage in high-risk behavior, such as having sex without condoms. 70.6% of teens who reported they didn’t feel comfortable talking to their parents had sex by age 17-19. That compares to 57.9% of teens who reported a close relationship.

It’s true. Not talking to your children about sex isn’t that likely to keep them from doing it. But the opposite is also true. Talking to them about it, isn’t more likely to have them engaging in sexual activity. If it means having sexually active children behaving maturely, talking things out can only help keep our kids safer.

If you think your child is already having sex, chat with them about it. Don’t get angry, but approach it in a calm and reasonable manner. Talk to them about your experiences and be honest. If your child has a boyfriend/girlfriend and things seem to be getting serious, start the conversation if you haven’t already. Above all, make sure they are being safe.

Drugs & Alcohol: Many professionals agree that when parents talk to their kids about drugs and alcohol, those discussions are very likely to shape the child’s attitude about those subjects.

Before you talk to your kids – educate yourself. Check with your local school, library or even look online for the straight facts about drugs and alcohol. Simply telling your kids, “Drugs and alcohol are dangerous,” isn’t going to be as efficient as truly illustrating the very real dangers of substance abuse. Try not to lecture, listen to what your kids have to say and really talk about the issues.

As always, keep it casual. If you spend time with your teenagers and keep the lines of communication open, bringing up the subject is much easier.

Signs of Drug & Alcohol Use: Look out for these tell-tale signs that your child might be using drugs or alcohol:

o Loss of interest in family and other usual activities.

o Not living up to responsibilities.

o Verbally or physical abusiveness.

o Coming home late.

o Increased dishonesty.

o Declining grades.

o Severe mood swings.

o Big change in sleeping patterns..

Understand that a lot of the above signs, especially near the top of the list, could mean a multitude things. Teenagers who are depressed can act in similar ways. When approaching your child, don’t be accusatory. Try to connect with them and see what’s really happening in their lives.

This is not a topic that is typically sought and read with fervor but if you are a parent or a person who loves any child under the age of 18, then you need to know the staggering statistics of child sexual abuse. Different references provide different statistics but the general consensus among the experts is that one in three girls will be sexually abused before she reaches the age of eighteen and one in six boys will be molested before their 18th birthday.

Do you really believe that with statistics like these your children will be somehow magically immune from the problem? No one wants to believe his or her child is at risk. No one wants to think that anything so ugly could happen in their family but the truth is that most victims are molested by someone they know. According to Advocates for Youth a study done in three states reveals 96% of reported rape survivors under age 12 knew their attacker.

Child Help statistics reports 30-40% of children are abused by a family member, while another 50% are abused by someone they know and trust outside the family. Forty percent of children are abused by older or bigger children whom they know. (This is confirmed by Advocates for Youth who found that adolescents were the offenders in 50% of reported cases.) That leaves only 10% who are actually abused by a stranger.

Children are typically abused younger than most people think. Over 20% of victims are abused prior to their 8th birthday and 50% who suffer violent attacks, such as sodomy, rape with an object, or forcible fondling are under twelve years-old.

Also, a new statistic is emerging about solicitation on the Internet. Child Help reports that one in five children is sexually solicited while surfing the Internet! How much unsupervised time does your child spend on the Internet? Do you think he or she knows enough to not give out personal details to a perpetrator online? Think again.

Adult perpetrators are very good at manipulating children into revealing information or victimizing them through either bribes or threats. Most parents know to educate their children not to talk to strangers. Parents want to believe that it is some deranged pedophile who catches and molests unsuspecting children. However, that is not the reality according to national statistics.

Another myth that must be dispelled is that sexual abuse only happens to socioeconomically disadvantaged families, one-parent families or families with drug involvement. This simply is not true. Child sexual abuse occurs as much in rural areas, as in urban areas and cuts across all racial, ethnic and socioeconomic groups. There have been studies that show it is more likely to occur within families who isolate themselves from others, in families where alcohol abuse is a factor and in families where there has been a generational history of abuse.

Most perpetrators establish a long-term relationship with their victims. There is a grooming process that occurs. It may start with preferential treatment, providing gifts and special privileges to earn a child’s trust. The child may not want to lose his or her special status or the relationship with the perpetrator so they go along as unwilling participants. If the child is young enough, he or she may not even know there is anything wrong with the perpetrator’s behavior.

There are also times when the perpetrator convinces the child catastrophic events will occur if the child tells. They may have threatened to kill the child or the child’s mother if the child tells. They may have threatened to start abusing a younger sibling if the child tells. There are many reasons why your child may never share what is happening.

According to Child Help, 30% of victims never disclose their abuse to anyone, while 75% end up disclosing accidentally. Later, 20% who disclose end up recanting. Children do not make up these stories. Statistics show children only fabricate stories of sexual abuse